News?

I just hit my Yahoo home page, and I’m torn between the following news stories right up front:

Miley Cyrus doesn’t like driving her mom’s old Porche … so she’s traded it in.

Traffic noise may increase risk of heart attacks.

Maybe it’s time to start writing that standup set.

When I was writing sketch for improvjacksonville, sometimes I’d look at things and think I couldn’t write anything funnier, or more ridiculous, than what I found in the news.  Today is that kind of a day.

Let’s start with Miley.  Seriously.  Oh My God, how can I possibly drive this raggedy old hand-me-down PORCHE?  The new ones have GPS and there’s a tiny little scratch on the airfoil and Brittney has a NEW Lambroghini …

Never mind that you got it for FREE!  Gift horse … mouth …?

When I was a teenager, the first car that was handed down to me was a Volkswagen 411 fastback coupe.  THAT was a cool car.  It was blue, automatic.  I was the victim of a hit and run accident in that car.  Some clown blew through a stop sign, tagged my right rear quarter panel, and just drove away.  No insurance, I guess.  Or drunk.

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I’m wondering what genius decided to research whether traffic noise increase the risk of heart attacks.  Have you ever been stuck in traffic?  Have you ever been to New York City?  Traffic is stressful.  Noise is stressful,  Traffic Noise, it would seem, would be doubly stressful, yes?  no?  Honking and sirens and shouting … and you can’t get away from it.  What was the control?  Gnaw Bone, Indiana?  Seriously.

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Even the local news.  A store called ‘Hole in the Wall” Antiques and Guns was robbed when thieves (wait for it) knocked a hole in the wall.  Now, this has a serious side, since several guns were stolen, and if there’s one thing we don’t need in Jacksonville, it’s more guns on the streets.  But there’s some kind of irony in how the crime was perpetrated.  And it wasn’t a frame and siding building, either.  It was cinder block.

So you have to get a mental picture of the thieves concocting this scheme.  “I know … we’ll take sledge hammers to the side of the building and knock a hole in the wall”.  I don’t know if it’s he more telling that they thought it up, or that it worked.  How long did they wail away at the side of the building until there was a hole in the wall big enough for them to get through.  Let’s hope they find those guns before too long.

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Meanwhile, congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers, who last night won their 6th Super Bowl … more than any other team ever.  UCLA won more national basketball championships.  Probably the best championship game ever.  Unlike most games, there was no quarterback sitting on the sidelines, hanging his head, wishing more time back on the clock.  Each QB had a chance to win it.  Kurt Warner almost did, but after the Cardinals scored the go-ahead touchdown, he went to the sidelines and wished time OFF the clock.  Roethlesburger then went out and flat won the game.  Either team could have won, each had a chance to win, and the team with the ball last won.  Can’t get much better than that.

–scene–

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